After midnight
So things haven't exactly been at it's primal these days. I haven't been sleeping well due to the constant worrying and overthinking. It's harmful I know, but what else could I do? Sometimes I wish that I'm more of a straight-up kind of person. Someone who is not afraid to ask just about anything. Someone who is not afraid of being judged. Someone who would clear things up and find out exactly what they did wrong instead of being the kind of person who sits and wonders for an eternity about what they've done wrong.
Do you, all of a sudden, get this overwhelming feeling of self-hatred? You start to hate yourself because of the things that you've said or done in the past, for not being good enough? That's me, all the time. I overthink a LOT, and that's the biggest problem I have with myself. I overthink and over-analyse just about everything and get needlessly sad over things that may or may not be true. I blame myself for everything. And what can I say? This torturous ordeal I face is not fun at all. It's like living in constant darkness, perpetual night. It's like being alone in a dark tunnel and each time you get happy because there's a light at the end of the tunnel, it turns out to be a train coming at full speed and then knocking you down again.
If I scream at the top of my lungs, will my problems go away too? Because I am honestly so sick of feeling worthless and feeling like I'm absolutely nothing. I have so many feelings racing through and all around my heart. From feeling lost to sadness to anger to heartache. It's just so heavy I can't help but feel so incredibly affected by it all.
Sometimes I wonder if it's really me. Sometimes I wonder why am I so helpless. Sometimes I wonder why I allow myself to get hurt so easily. Sometimes I wonder why am I always convincing myself that this time it will be different because each time I tell that to myself, it turns out the same.
I've always thought myself as someone who's optimistic and bright. But it has all kinda went downhill. My self-esteem is at an all time low and I have no idea how to deal with things as of now.
I am baffled, I am lost, I am forever in doubt. Seriously, where do I go from here? I am sick to death of feeling this way.
So yes. Things are hard right now. But hey they could also turn out wonderful because lets face it- it could have been worse. I do have things to be thankful for and things to smile about. There is this quote that has been in my mind for a long time now- it's one of my friend's favourite quotes by her favourite person, Hayley Williams, "Accentuate the positive. Eliminate the negative."
That's exactly what I have got to do.
Deep breaths.
So yes. Things are hard right now. But hey they could also turn out wonderful because lets face it- it could have been worse. I do have things to be thankful for and things to smile about. There is this quote that has been in my mind for a long time now- it's one of my friend's favourite quotes by her favourite person, Hayley Williams, "Accentuate the positive. Eliminate the negative."
That's exactly what I have got to do.
Deep breaths.